this story originally appeared in the philippine daily inquirer on May 20, 2000.
I took economics in both college and graduate school. But since I got married, I’ve been into home economics. I’m sure that washing the dishes and doing other house chores do not boost the nation’s income. I don’t get paid for my work. My services do not add to the gross domestic product. They are not even tax-deductible.
I’m a parent to a small child. I have little time to spare. Thus, I have to rely on a set of key points to help me focus on the things that matter most. Here is a summary of what I believe.
1. The secret to a happy home is a happy wife. A happy wife makes the home bright and cheerful. Not too long ago, I asked my wife Tetet, “If you had met me for the first time today, would you have married me?”
She gave two answers: the first was long and sweet; the second short and brutal. Both meant no. If she had known earlier what it meant to be married to me, she would have avoided me like a plague. I’m glad that the marriage vow which both of us took is for life. I’m happy that Christianity teaches strict monogamy, otherwise I would be at risk of being sad and alone, crying a river.
2. Meet the family’s basic needs.
A worker belongs to a family. What I aspire for, like any worker, is linked with the goals of my family. I want my family to have a decent life. This is easy to say but hard to do. It is hard to work when I worry about my wife’s hospital bills or about my son’s tuition. I would not be productive with an empty stomach. A dissatisfied worker is often tardy and absent. Worse, he is tempted to steal. I should earn enough to meet the basic needs of my family. I should meet my threshold family budget (TFB).
How much is the TFB? It depends on the size of the family and the age and gender of the household members. The basic needs of a single man are less than those of a father of a large family. Meeting the TFB is not the sole responsibility of the employer. The government can help by giving free education and health care. Other family members can also work to meet the TFB.
Also, meeting the TFB is a necessary but not a sufficient step for a worker to be efficient. A worker’s productivity hinges on the following: nature of the work, corporate culture and prospects for advancement. The TFB is not exact, but it is easy to compute. Firms may want to consider auditing all their workers. It would be best if the audit is done by a reputable third party.
3. Contrary to what others think, work isn’t hell. Blessed Josemaria Escriva, founder of the Opus Dei, once asked a gardener, “Which work is more pleasing to God, that of a gardener or that of a company president?” He answered his own question: The more pleasing work is that which is done with more love of God. As long as a job is noble, any work can be a means for one to be a saint. Work is a way toward sanctity. Work, if done well, can be transformed into a prayer. There is a world of difference between cleaning my son’s milk bottle and talking to God while cleaning my son’s milk bottle.
4. Forget yourself.
I used to think that my wife was one lucky lady. Why? First, I try to live according to all the virtues, except humility, to a heroic degree. And second, I believed that I was God’s gift to women. For 10 years, Tetet has fondly called me “Caps,” not after my last name (Caparas) but after “makapal.” For a long time, I thought I was one of the most selfless guys in the world, but marriage and fatherhood showed me I was not so. I had too many whims, many of which I’ve had to deny myself in order to be a good husband and parent.
A friend once told me that, in the business of marriage, amnesia is an asset. To be able to forgive and forget is not a liability. To say sorry, even if it means swallowing your pride, is worthwhile.
5. Relax.
All is for the best. Work as if everything rests on you and pray as if everything rests on God. Then He will provide.
Some of you may recall the Tenth World Youth Day in Manila in 1995. There were around 2,000 volunteers to give Catechism to 8,000 participants at the Araneta Coliseum. I was so Caps (makapal) that I volunteered to be an emcee. Tetet tried to help in a different committee, but the organizers picked her at random to join me as an emcee. I’ll bet my bottom dollar the organizers did not know that Tetet was my steady date. What could have been a stressful task became quite easy. Together we had fun for three days in front of around 10,000 people.
6. There is no shortcut to being a successful parent.
In raising my child, I either pay now or pay later. I agree with the advice given by Dr. James Stenson to parents of small children. In the introduction to his book “Lifeline,” he writes of the choices that parents like me face today:
“Form your children well, or just keep them amused with an endless stream of pleasant sensations. Raise them as producers, or school them as consumers. Form their moral conscience, or let them be led by their passions and appetites. Teach them your religious faith as a rule of life, or let them grow up as if God does not exist.
“And the consequence of those choices are what parents see later in their children’s lives… Adults who live as responsible Christians, or as technically skilled barbarians. Confident, happiness in life, or substance abuse and promiscuity. Stable and happy family lives or marriages broken apart. Well formed and confident grandchildren, or wounded and lonely grandchildren-or even no grandchildren at all. Along with all these, the final consequence of our choices: heaven or hell.”
These are times that try men’s souls. The words of Thomas Paine are as true today as they were in 1776 when George Washington’s army was on the verge of disintegration. Now more than ever, the unity and stability of Filipino families are being threatened by enemies that are subtle and unseen. But love is stronger.
Tetet and I will celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary soon. On that day, I will whisper to her the words of a song that best sum up my articles of faith: “When I fall in love, it will be forever…When I give my heart, it will be completely.”
