this story originally appeared in the philippine daily inquirer on July 8, 2010.
I can’t believe what I just heard. Someone likes me after all. I mean, I have a girlfriend and all, but then again, it doesn’t hurt to have some affirmation. And hearing what she said made me smile. I look at her smiling, and she smiles back.
“So there,” she says. She takes a puff on her cigarette. We are walking along the beach, and it is already the wee hours of morning. I think about what she said. And honestly, it’s okay. It’s not something that would bother me. She is one of my greatest friends, and I know that that was in the past.
“That’s okay,” I tell her. “Past is past, right?”
“Of course!” she says, looking out to the vast, open sea before us. Well, now that I think about it, she’s really something. She’s one of those girls that you can call and she’ll be there right away. She’s always available, or will be available for any of us who needs her. She’s one of the few who can keep us guys grounded to reality. There’s something about her that makes her just the perfect friend.
“So,” I say, “when did this happen?”
She laughs. I just smile. I am really curious, because this is the first time a girl has told me how she felt. Even if it was all in the past.
“Junior year. That was the time we got close, you know, studying for all those exams and papers and stuff.” She sits down in the sand.
“Oh.” I sit down beside her. Junior year. That was the time when I was having a difficult time with a certain girl, and she was the one who was supporting me throughout. And all that time, she liked me? I cannot believe it. I feel guilty. It must have been hard for her. Had I known, I wouldn’t have done that to her. I’m not that cruel.
“Why so quiet?” she asks. “What are you thinking?”
“I just realized… I’m sorry.” I look at her, then look out at the open sea.
“For what?” She asks. She, of all people, must realize what I’m apologizing for.
“I mean,” I say while doodling in the sand with a stick. “That time, I was burdening you with all my chick woes.” I look at her sheepishly. And she just laughs.
I stare at her, and she just keeps laughing. But somehow, her laughter doesn’t seem to reach her eyes. It’s like there’s sadness in there. But maybe it’s just me. Maybe I just had too much to drink.
“Why are you laughing?” I ask, utterly bewildered. How can she laugh at such a serious moment?
“Are you kidding me?” she says. “Dude, you’ve got nothing to be sorry about. We’re friends, and you know that. You don’t have to think twice about confiding in me, even if it were chick woes.” She smiles at me.
“You know that I love hearing about your girl crises. I take lessons from them, you know.” She takes a swig of her beer. “I’d like to know what my future man would think.”
She winks at me and puffs on her cigarette. She really is a great friend.
I laugh. “You’re right,” I tell her. I drink about half of what is left in the bottle, and lie on the sand. She drinks her beer as well, and lies beside me.
“You know,” I say, turning and resting my head on my right arm to face her. “You really are a great friend. I’m so glad I met you.” I smile at her and lie back down.
I look at the sea. It’s already sunrise. I glance at her from the corner of my eye, and she’s staring at the sky. She really is one of a kind. I wish she will find the right man. Whoever that may be, will be the luckiest man. And if she does, I’ll be her happiest friend.
***
I look at him and he is smiling. I can’t believe I did it. I can’t believe that I had the guts to tell him that I like him. I mean, that I liked him.
“So there,” I say, smiling back. I took a puff on my cigarette, feeling nervous and relieved at the same time. Nervous, because I don’t know how this will affect our friendship. But knowing him, I think this might even be a good thing. I just know that nothing will change. And I feel relieved that I had finally let it out. I mean, this was the first time I ever told a guy how I felt, even if it was in the past. And it does feel good.
“That’s okay,” he says. “Past is past, right?”
Yeah right.
“Of course!” I tell him, looking out to the ocean. There’s no point in telling him that all is not in the past. He’s with someone now, but it doesn’t bother me. He’s my friend, and all I want is for him to be happy. I just don’t know if he’s happy with her, but whatever floats his boat.
“So,” he asks. “When did this happen?”
I laugh. It’s funny how curious he is about it.
“Junior year,” I finally say. “That was the time we got close, you know, studying for all those exams and papers and stuff.”
I sit on sand. It is past midnight already, and we are still strolling along the beach, beer and cigarette in hand. Everybody else is asleep, too drunk to remember that we all promised to wait for the sunrise.
“Oh,” he says. He sits down beside me, and takes a puff on his cigarette. He takes a swig of beer. And he remains silent. Oh, how I would give anything to know what he was thinking.
“Why so quiet?” I ask. “What are you thinking?”
“I just realized…I’m sorry.” He looks at me, then looks out to the sea.
“For what?” I stare at him. He, of all people, has nothing to be sorry about.
“I mean,” he says quietly, doodling in the sand with a stick. “That time, I was burdening you with all my chick woes.” And he looks at me sheepishly.
I just laugh. I laugh to show him that it was nothing. I just laugh to show him that even if it hurt like hell, I wouldn’t give him any reason to stop being my friend. If I can’t have him the way I want, I’ll take him in any form. Even if it means just being his friend.
He looks at me, bewildered. “Why are you laughing?”
“Are you kidding me?” I say. “Dude, you’ve got nothing to be sorry about. We’re friends, and you know that. You don’t have to think twice about confiding in me, even if it were chick woes.” I look at him, smiling.
“You know that I love hearing about your girl crises. I take lessons from them, you know.” I take a swig on my beer. “I’d like to know what my future man would think.” I wink at him, and took a puff. How I wish he is that man in my future.
“Ha ha, you’re right,” he says, smiling. He drinks about half the bottle, and lies down on sand. I drink what is left of my beer, and lie down beside him.
“You know,” he says, turning to face me. “You really are a great friend. I’m so glad I met you.” He smiles, then lies back down.
I just look at the sky. It is now sunrise. I feel as if my chest is being torn into pieces, yet my mind is rejoicing. It hurts, yet at the same time, it makes me happy. Yes, he has turned me down without even knowing it. But then again, he did it well. It was a beautiful letdown.
*Inspired by Switchfoot’s “The Beautiful Letdown.” Dedicated to Mr. F.A.
