This story originally appeared in the Philippine Daily Inquirer on February 24, 2000.
I always thought I was strong. Until I knew how sick I was, and since then I lived in fear. Fear of getting sicker. Fear of not being able to do what I want to do. Fear of not being able to see my dreams come to reality. Fear of not being with my family and my very close friends long enough. Fear of not having enough time to show them how much I love them.
I know, I know, I am acting pretty morbid. But can you blame me? For a while, I refused to acknowledge the truth. I lived in a state of denial. I did not know how to handle the news. I tried to get on with my life and do the things I usually do, putting the thought of my sickness in the farthest corner of my mind. I tried, but soon, reality just came crashing down, hitting me with such force that I was left gasping, breathless and drenched by my own tears.
Now, I have accepted the fact that I am sick-very sick. It’s not that my case is hopeless. I still have hope, says my doctor. More than his assurance, I believe in miracles. I believe in the power of faith, even if I am not a perfect Christian. I have had my weak moments, but I believe that God helps those who are in need, that He’ll grant the prayers of those who pray hard enough with faith. Now I just keep praying, knowing that prayers are my only lifeline.
If there is one good thing that came out of my ailment, it’s that I have learned to appreciate life better. I may be in the midst of something which is new to me, something which I am afraid of, but I know life is beautiful. So I continue to smile and laugh even though it hurts. As Jessica Zafra wrote, “. . .the only way to keep the spirit whole is to laugh. In the depth of our despair, we reject hopelessness and we laugh.”
Ever since I learned that I was sick, I feel as if I am not myself anymore. I still go through my daily routine. I still act like my usual jolly self, living up to my reputation as corny. I still manage to be my roommates’ big sister, nagging and advising them on their lives. Nothing seems to have changed, but deep inside, I feel differently. I feel so cold and numb. I feel like my tummy is twisted into knots and I feel so afraid.
For a while, I continued to live with that fear. I did not know how to get rid of it. My best friend, Isa, kept talking to me, encouraging me and comforting me each time I’d be in tears. She was certainly a source of strength and for that I’ll be forever grateful.
I tried to deal with my fear through avoidance and denial. I went to school, lost myself in the “chatroom,” went out with my barkada on gimmicks, but the fear was still there. It was like bile stuck in my throat, choking me. I wanted so much to get rid of it, but I didn’t know how.
On nights when I was alone in my room, I’d find myself crying. I would try to space out myself, to block out any thought from my mind, but then the memory of how my X-ray looked would creep into my thoughts and I’d start crying, crying and crying. I could not seem to stop.
Not even my favorite M&M’s chocolates (which Isa would give me) could console me. So I went home.
At home, I found myself thinking about my life. I found myself sort of regressing. Memories of past events came to me and so did thoughts of people who were once a part of my life but who were no longer around because of some unfortunate circumstances. I remembered them and how good it felt to be with them, and I found myself missing them.
So I wrote them letters and asked them how they were and told them that after all those years, I still thought of them and now sought their forgiveness. It felt good.
Maybe, I thought, this is it. Reconciling with my “foes” might just be the remedy. But the fear was still there.
One morning, I found myself browsing through the Bible and I chanced on the Book of Romans, and Psalm 34. I cried and started thinking if this could be the balm for my fear. I decided to give it a try.
You see, for quite some time, I was an agnostic. My prayer life, church life, spiritual life were practically nonexistent. I was too busy. I thought I could do without the Lord in my life.
I was wrong. Now, I find myself back in His grace. I have finally realized that I need Him very much. I acknowledge the truth that I am nothing without Him. I realized that He was the remedy that I needed. And now, the fear is gone. I am not afraid anymore. I have come to terms with life. And finally I am at peace!
