I turn 20 in a week, but I still feel like I am 15.
The time I was a teenager had passed by so quickly that I felt as if no time had passed at all. Over the pandemic, there was no dramatic change in the way I looked or the way I spoke, but the moment it ended, everything changed.
Uniforms had come and gone. We received no face-to-face graduation, but we had picked up our diplomas before the beginning of college. Now, we wore the lanyards of our universities; it was a peculiar feeling.
Friends had promised to stay in touch, but we only kept in contact through social media interactions. We swore we would message more often, not knowing how hard that would be. Regardless, I hope they are still doing fine.
Meeting new friends was certainly not as easy as I thought. We were no longer bound by the same strand or course. Conversation topics were a lot more serious. Icebreakers were not as much about acne, puberty, and friendship drama as they were about internships, careers, and the future.
I was a freshly-minted college student at 18. I had no clue what LinkedIn was, and I barely had any idea how banks worked. Worries about my future began to compound when I saw how fast everyone else was. I was a freshman, but others were out there getting internships in big companies, achieving high organizational positions, and acing their exams. For some reason, I was just there.
Most people think it’s okay to not have it all figured out at 18—after all, you just became an adult. But by 20, you are supposed to have a sense of direction. You have to have some form of career goal, a sense of stability, and a purpose behind everything you’re doing, but I still feel like I’m floating.
Even with all my calendars, to-do lists, and Notion pages, I still feel severely underprepared for everything. Each time I take on a new internship or practice for a big exam, I search the room, checking to see if others my age are doing the same. By your 20s, you are supposed to have things together, to do things with less guidance, and to be independent. But before I start, I hope for a quick whisper of advice or a smile of affirmation from the people nearby. I wish there was a checklist for what to do when you grow up.
I tried to do as much as I could before turning 20: get organizational positions, study harder for exams, apply for internships, etc. I realize now that no one looks at you when you ask for guidance, not because they don’t care, but because they also don’t know what they are doing. You can have a checklist, and you can plan your days to a tee, but you will still be confused—and that’s okay.
I think I am navigating it better. I realize you don’t always know where you are headed, but you are going somewhere; perhaps that’s enough.
When you enter your 20s, hangouts with friends are less frequent; they happen once in a blue moon when our schedules align. But when they do happen, they are magic. My “barkada” and I still do karaoke so loudly that our throats catch the next day. We eat lunches so long that they are practically therapy sessions; all the “kuwento” come out in between dishes. Even amidst the seriousness of the future, you will still find yourself laughing so hard that your stomach hurts.
When you enter your 20s, you will have to run a lot more errands. But thankfully, you’re rarely alone. Your “guama” and “ah-e” are still a message away when you need them. Your favorite teachers still remain in contact with you, although now it’s not via school e-mail. You take your time to figure things out, so you still have time for coffee with Mom and a fireside chat with Papa.
When you enter your 20s, you will be lost. You will be anxious and awkward, and you will make mistakes; you will hurt people, ruin friendships, miss opportunities, and question yourself each time. You continue to mourn over competitions you could have done better in, hobbies you could have excelled at, and people you could have been closer to. You realize later on that you are tired of regretting.
The fact of the matter is that you are going to do a lot more things, and you are going to hate and love them. You are going to have readings that make you wonder why you chose your course, but you will meet friends and instructors who will allow you to remember why. You will have school organizations and events that make you understand why you chose this university. You will hate having to work, but you will get internships that make you wake up less terrified, even at 8 a.m. on a Thursday.
You won’t think your 20s are so bad anymore.
I think at 20, your high school friends temporarily become strangers, but when you catch up, you realize there is no one you know better. I think at 20, you go to the grocery store and drug store more frequently, but you’ll still have time to go to the toy shops you visited as a kid. I think at 20, you won’t know if the decisions you make are correct, but you will make them anyway.
You turn 20 in a week. You know everything and nothing about the world, and that’s the best part.
