this story originally appeared in the philippine daily inquirer on January 21, 1999.
I am a drug addict. I have been so for five-and-a-half years. But, I only learned how difficult it is to be one only recently. How? Well, I was introduced to shabu by my boyfriend when I was 17. He did all the hard work of procuring the ”item” and ”serving” it to me. I thought it was over when we broke up last year, but after six months, I couldn’t ignore my craving. So, I decided that if my boyfriend could do it, so could I. But it’s much easier for a guy. If he wants the item, he pays up or if he has no cash, he can hock some valuables, like his watch or leather jacket. Of course, the source has the final say on this business deal. If a girl tries to do the same thing, it’s a different story. This is getting a bit complicated so I’ll give the background.
In the secret world of drugs, there are rules of courtesy and etiquette. The ”sources” (pushers) and ”scorers” (users) are not crazy or demented people, as straight people take them to be. Of course, there are addicts and pushers who are like that, but generally sources behave like businessmen: they demand respect and recognition from the scorers. If you are inside a source’s home, you have to act like a visitor, no matter how many times you have been there. It’s the source who signals when he feels close to a scorer. If the source gets sore, he could refuse to sell. It is considered bad manners to go to a ”pwesto” (the place where one uses an item) and use the ice in front of a fellow addict and not invite him to join. It is also in bad taste to gatecrash into a session to which one is not invited. That gives one a reputation for being ”talamak” or ”gutom.” Unacceptable, too, are braggarts and pushy people.
But then all kinds of people inhabit this world. There’s the ”estafador” who steals your money after closing a deal. Then, there are ”runners” or ”middlemen” who would subtract a certain amount of ice for themselves and give you less than what you bought after pocketing your P20 tip. And there are the ”buraots” who want to sniff ice but don’t have the money. And then there are the pimps, who would look for customers in exchange for P100 worth of ice. But sources and scorers are always on the lookout for ”assets” who inform the police. The dosage varies from one scorer to another. It ranges from 0.1 to 1.5 grams. One gram costs P1,000 and a ”bulto” of five grams is worth between P4,000 and P6,000, depending on the source. Ice is a seasonal commodity. There are periods of ”crisis” when higher sources hold on to their supplies and times that are ”maluwag” like holidays and the start of the school year.
So what do users do when they get their high? Actually, the ”trip” is ”inputted” in the user. When a first-time user becomes high, whatever he does repeatedly is caused by that high. For example, if a scorer starts fiddling with paper and pen and keeps doing it even though there’s no more space left, that’s his trip. If the user keeps talking on his first-time high, then all his trips will be spent on talking. If he starts cleaning his room or finishes his chores, that’s also the result of his high. And if he gets aroused passionately after he hits his high, his future highs will be sex trips. But trips are learned, so a user’s high can change from time to time.
How does one know if he is high? Simple. If he feels like doing something and he really feels good doing it, even if he’s just rolling a piece of foil around a ballpen, he’s high. For me, it’s when I feel like I am riding down a roller coaster and a cold crown of air envelops my head. Then I feel energized, excited and raring to do something agreeable. My ordeal began when I met a friendly, middle-aged man who lent me some ice and led me to a pwesto. I didn’t know he was a pimp. So I would be surprised when, after he left, the source would ask me if I was willing to give my body for ice. On each of those occasions, I refused. But I wondered if I came across as ”that sort of girl.” It was only after one source became close to me that I found out what my ”friend” was doing behind my back. I dropped him. But I later realized he was doing what he did to other girls who wanted to take hits and didn’t have the resources. Although it wasn’t easy, it didn’t take long for me to get accepted in my new ”safe house” with the help of the source who had become my friend. But since I was the youngest of the group, my ”kuyas” and ”ates” wanted me to quit while I still could. They did everything and made me a ”buraot” while they were at it! When rumors about my addiction leaked to the community, the tough guys acted. They staked me out and pounced on me whenever I went out. They warned me that nasty things would happen if I set foot on the street again. It also turned out that some of the ”bigatins” or higher sources knew my parents (one was even their childhood playmate) and they were shocked. They declared that if I would be seen again in that neighborhood, there would be hell to pay. It seemed that despite my age, our neighbors still felt it was their obligation to protect me.
It’s not easy being a drug addict. There were times when I was tempted to do anything just to get a high. I had headaches and I was very irritable after my high passed. I lost my jewelry. I had to bear the gossip that I was an easy lay. Worse, when my mother tried to discuss my problem, I’d answer her back to the point of being bastos. And why did I do that? It was because she struck me as being holier-than-thou. She seemed to be saying I was trash and I could no longer be any good because drugs had destroyed my brain. I knew she didn’t mean it that way, but straight people tend to think that addicts cannot comprehend anything.
One of the myths concerning drugs is that the moment one takes a hit, he instantly turns bobo. This is downright idiotic. We may be stupid, but our mental capacity doesn’t diminish that fast. No one should scream at us as if we were deaf. We don’t want to hear a litany of things our parents did for us when we were children. We don’t want to be forced to tell how we started. We have our reasons and we will reveal them when we are ready. It doesn’t help to take an aggressive stance toward us. It only strengthens our belief that parents can’t accept our problems and that would only make us turn to drugs some more.
Another myth is that every addict should undergo rehabilitation. Wrong. It depends on the addict, the environment and on the people around him. My sources are just on the next street, yet I never took drugs more often than twice a week, and never did I sell my body for ice. I must admit that I am still recovering and I still have a craving, but I try not to think of it so that I can control myself. I immerse myself in writing even though my head is aching. Mommy is planning to send me again to college so that I can finish my course. I will overcome this problem in time.
My advice to those who are thinking of doing drugs? Forget it. I had only one month and one week of exposure and it was an experience that was not worth having. But even if I went through a brutal ordeal, I won’t change a thing. Why? Because, I learned major lessons I would never have gotten if I weren’t exposed to danger. I learned to accept myself and found confidence in myself. A source taught me to say no to people who want to take advantage of me, even though I have debts of gratitude to repay. I acquired my self-esteem and respect from the people society considers as trash. I recovered my dignity and discovered the essence of my soul among those who are wreckers of spirits. I discovered my self-worth with the very same people many blame for ruining lives. They were the ones who gave me back my soul.
Still I must say to everyone: If ice or marijuana or any other kind of drug is offered to you, firmly say no and go away. To all of you who are now what I was once, I say the decision is yours. I know the feeling, the need and the craving. It all depends on you. If you can quit cold turkey, go ahead. If you must quit gradually, try it. But if you have started stealing money or valuables to finance your vice or if you’re doing it already for quite some time, then you would be better off in a rehabilitation center. Why? Because, by your actions, you have proven to all that you are so focused on drugs that moral integrity and the capability to accept reason have been erased from you.
