this story originally appeared in the philippine daily inquirer on November 6, 1999.
Dear God,
How are You? Are You up there listening? I wonder if You’re busy. I hope this doesn’t bother You at all. I was just wondering where You’ve been and what You’ve been doing all this time. I suppose You’re often trying to help somebody, which would be a good explanation for why the line is busy every time I call You. I thought of paging You once, but what do You need a pager for? You’re God. I sent You a letter once, but it was returned to me. Guess I had the wrong address.
But maybe You’re trying to accommodate the billions of people calling out Your name every day, and well, that’s a very good excuse. There are times when I wonder why things are the way they are, but I suppose You sure know what You’re doing because somehow everything falls into place. I guess they don’t call You God for nothing. How do You feel when some people don’t believe in You? If I were in Your place, I’d feel insulted. You’ve shown them more than enough proof that You exist, but still they don’t believe. But what incredible patience You have. You just let them live and patiently wait for the day they return to You. There are times when I don’t understand all the bad stuff that happens around us. Take for example, when an innocent girl gets raped. Help me understand this, but why her? What did she do to deserve it? What good could she possibly get out of that experience? It’s not that I doubt Your master plan, but I just don’t understand things like this.
I’m just glad nothing terrible has ever happened to me, but what about the innocent ones who suffer? I can’t believe You are protecting me too much that You forget them. I’d like to think of You as having a lot of hands protecting everybody, boy or girl. I used to have problems that I thought couldn’t be any harder. I used to think that with the number of problems I was getting, I must have been blacklisted by St. Peter or whoever keeps the heaven’s list. But it didn’t stop me from believing You were still there to save me. I just thought that maybe You were helping something else and had Your back toward me so You couldn’t see hell’s fury being unleashed on me.
I think that was the time my letters to You came back. I put them inside a balloon and let it go. My grandmother told me when I was a kid that as long as I didn’t see the balloon burst, my message would reach you. One of the things for which I am grateful is that ever since I was young, You made sure there were wonderful angels in my life. They never stopped coming. Everything I have now, everything I love and own, are all thanks to the good-hearted angels You put in my life. You just never run out of them, do you? First, You put that angel You taught me to call my mother. Wasn’t she something? She was the kindest thing that ever walked on this Earth. She gave birth to me, which I think was magical. That must have hurt, but it was nothing to her. Well, she did tell me it hurt a lot, but when she saw my face the pain went away. Tears were in my eyes when she told me this. Mother must have been the first person who applied to be an angel that You hired, and I’m so happy you assigned her to me. Then there was my grandmother. Older people have that certain magic that I find so warm. She is full of love and wonderful sentimentality that I can’t imagine finding in someone else.
When I started going to school, I would ask her to come along. I was only five years old then. I sat by the window and whenever I wouldn’t see her under the mango tree facing the window, I would cry. And this has grown into a habit: I can’t do without her. Necessary for living are those little angels I call my friends. I had a lot of them, but I remember someone very special. We were both six years old when we found each other. She had pigtails like me. She looked just like an angel, and that was what she was. I bet You thought it would be exciting if we went to different high schools, but You changed the script and brought us together. So we spent four of the best, and the worst, years of our lives together.
But not even once did she fail to be the angel You made her into. She took care of me when my mother and grandmother weren’t looking. I thought it was impossible that You programmed her to teach me to cut classes when I was a junior, but I guess it was You after all. Because now I know I shouldn’t have done that. Until this day, we are still friends, and I can’t believe my luck. I think You blessed me with the drive to go out there and do the things I really want to do. One time, I said to myself I was going to learn a foreign language all by myself, and in two years I was speaking it fluently. I was amazed by what I could do, but I’m sure You knew. You put a lot of villains into my life, too.
And boy, were they irritating! They thought the world of themselves. But looking back now, I think You knew what You were doing, because I regret all the energy I wasted in disliking them. Hate is a strong word, and my grandmother taught me You get nothing out of hating. You just waste good energy that You could use doing something productive. I’m not going to lie to you, God (it’s no use anyway). Maybe I disobeyed my grandmother and hated three people in my life, but please don’t send me to hell because of that. I couldn’t have avoided it at that time. I know You’re shaking Your head and saying: ”Hello! Of course you could have!” But for this reason, I think this is why You made me human. We come to the opposite of hate, which is love. Love is a many splendored thing, says the song I’m sure You composed. Looking back, it would have been impossible for me and this man to meet if it weren’t in Your script.
Even though I met this guy already, I didn’t believe in long-lasting relationships. What I didn’t anticipate was that You would insert marriage into my 20-year-old life. Who could’ve thought of that? Only someone like You. My life was turned upside down when I got married. I had no clue what marriage was like. I saw other people play that program. Some went on to play higher levels of it, some failed at it. I saw more failures than successes. When I was younger I thought I would never get married. It wasn’t really because I was afraid I would fail at it, but I only wanted to play it once. Other people played it up over and over again, and that didn’t look like much fun to me. You made me love this man so much I gave up everything to be with him. I thank You for never making me regret my decision. You made me love this man so much, You made me remember what it was like to be genuinely at peace and happy. Remember those letters that came back to me? I wrote them when everything was going bad. I believed nothing worse could ever happen to me. I guess I was right, because right after that I met this man, and nothing bad has ever happened to me since.
I’ve known angels all throughout my life, but I never thought I would get to marry one. Because of him I’ve changed and grown. Before him I thought You already liked the way I was, the way I thought about things and everything that I believed in. But through him, You told me I could be better. It was also around this time that You hired extra angels to keep me on track. There are five of them and they are called in-laws. I thought there were no angels outside my family, but there they were, all of them having the same last name. It’s the same as my new one. I thank You for them, God. What I ask from You now is that You give the same number (or more) of angels to my children. Okay, first, please let me have some kids of my own, but only when I’m ready. When I do have them, please let them consider me and their father as their angels. Nothing can be better than that. I would not trade for anything having my children look at me with the same love and respect I give to my mother, grandmother and all those whom I have mentioned in this letter. I have made a copy of this letter. If this ever comes back, God, I will be sending it to You again and again. The thought of this getting into Your hands makes it worth whatever it costs to send it.
