this story originally appeared in the philippine daily inqurier on July 12, 2001.
Have you ever felt like you were half-awake and half-asleep? I have-for two years, five months and 15 days now.
It all began during the second semester of my fourth year in college. I was loaded with assignments, I was living the life of a person who was about to graduate in a few months and start working in the corporate world. But when I celebrated my 21st birthday, something snapped inside me and I just started living a double life. Outside, I was normal, doing things I was supposed to do. But inside, I just felt hopeless, in despair and lonely. I was filled with overwhelming sadness and fear. I didn’t want to face the fact that I was growing older and that I was going to enter a new world that was so different from what I knew.
I was living what seemed like a charmed life. I was being cared for by my parents. I was earning money from a small business that I had. I had friends. I was making good progress on my thesis. I was head of our college organization. I was living a very normal life.
Then I suddenly hit rock bottom emotionally. I never told anyone that I was not feeling very good inside. It was all self-diagnosis. It was depression, pure and simple. I did not reach out because I thought that I could handle it by myself. I didn’t want to tell people that there was something wrong in my head. I was ashamed and afraid that they would look and act differently toward me.
Even though my family was supportive and okay, it was hard to talk to my parents about my mental condition. They are conservative in a lot of ways. Would you believe that I wasn’t allowed to sleepover until I was 20 years old? We didn’t discuss a lot of things bordering on our feelings and emotions. They provided for me very well. They sent me to the best schools and worked hard to make our life comfortable in every respect. We would talk over dinner about school and anything under the sun but we were just not the kind of family that sat down and discussed our feelings. We were afraid of emotions. I grew up being a loner and introvert.
No one who knows me would believe that I am now describing myself as a loner. In school I was very sociable and friendly. I told a lot of stories. I behaved exactly opposite to what I really was inside.
I was afraid of sharing my thoughts and experiences with others. I couldn’t talk about my problems with my family or friends.
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to open up to other people, even if they are willing to lend a hand. I try to solve everything by myself. Sometimes I would succeed but there are times that I would fail. And then I would simply suppress my inner turmoil.
These past two years, I have given my parents a lot of heartaches and disappointments. I wasn’t able to graduate on time and up to now I still lack a few units to finish my degree. The hard part is that everyone outside our family thinks that I already graduated. I have embroiled my whole family in a deception.
I didn’t want to embarrass my family. Everyone knew me to be a good student and I didn’t give my parents any trouble. I didn’t do drugs. I followed all the rules in the house. I was very responsible and dutiful.
All our relatives and friends admired those traits of mine. My parents were proud of me. Until I turned 21 and became both an embarrassment and disappointment to them. But they were still there, encouraging me to finish school, but I couldn’t face my fear and the realities of the world I was living in.
I have been living in a state of confusion and acting strangely. I just lost interest. I was afraid of becoming an adult. I was experiencing to a certain degree the Peter Pan complex. (Remember the child who never wanted to grow up?)
I have realized that the reason I am what I am now is that I do not truly know what I really want to be. I don’t even know who I am. What is my purpose in life? There is no clear answer that presents itself. I have been searching for the answer for years, but nothing comes into mind. I have to have the answer soon or it may be too late. I might suddenly wake up and realize that I have lost everything.
I thought that what is happening to me only happened in movies or in books. Maybe I have been greatly affected by my desire to live a different life from what I was given. I am not contented with my life. I need to feel that I am truly happy, to be at peace with myself. But how can I be, when I only feel that I am drowning in sorrow and longing?
Maybe all these are only in my head. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I am destined to live like this.
I have made many choices that I regret now. I am a big disappointment. I am growing old but regressing. Somewhere in my life I made a wrong turn and now I cannot find the right direction. I am a pretty messed-up person right now.
My life has been a blur. I don’t even remember living my life. My life is empty. Everything is a figment of my imagination…or maybe not. Maybe it’s all in my head like my parents and friends say. I think too much. I live in a world created by my own mind.
Ever since I can remember I have been both a fatalist and a pessimist. I’ve been scared…lonely…sad…depressed. And I don’t do anything to banish these fears. What should I do?
People my age are doing things that I’ve only dreamed of doing. Maybe that is another problem of mine. I live in my own dream world. I know that I exist but I don’t know if I am truly alive. I may be alive but I always think that I would suddenly awaken from a deep slumber and realize that what I am living now is all but part of a dream-or a nightmare. Maybe this is not really my life that I am living. Maybe I am just an observer. Maybe I am just really living another person’s life.
Is life really so complicated? Or am I just complicating it? Why can’t life be easy and simple?
But life was given to us with all its trials and tribulations so that we can overcome them and experience a sense of fulfillment. Life is really a journey full of discovery and awakenings. I am just starting to bring it all together.
I am between reality and the dream world. Which is the truth? Which is not real?
When will I wake up from this madness?
