Revelations + Destinations

An old woman, a girl and her cellphone

this story originally appeared in the philippine daily inquirer on October 23, 1999.

There is this spot along España in Manila, just in front of the University of Santo Tomas, where I usually sit down and wait on Sunday afternoons for a nearby Internet cafe to open. These are the times when I just clear my mind of college requirements and free myself of all my cares. I do nothing. I don’t even think. I just sit down.

One afternoon, however, was an exception. There I was looking on as people passed me by. Some of them also looked at me as if I were some kind of weirdo. Some heaved a sigh and rolled their eyes as if to say, “Who’s that nerd who wastes his time idling around on a Sunday instead of going to church or doing his assignments (if he is studying) or just put his empty head into some good use?” Suddenly an old lady, obviously one of the poor souls on the streets with no place to call home, stopped and asked me: “Iho, saan dito ang simbahan ng Quiapo (Son, could you tell me where the Quiapo church is)?”

Her hair was what girls would describe as a “mess,” turned brown after many days, maybe months, without a shampoo. I bet that T-shirt she wore was white once, but then it was already brown. Caught in the middle of my reverie, it took me a while to realize that she was talking to me. “Uh, doon po,” I finally answered, pointing in the appropriate direction. After thanking me, she started walking toward her goal. Probably going to hear Mass, I thought. I took a final look at her before she disappeared behind the people going the other way. Then it struck me as rather strange that young stars would want to strip in front of the camera and here was this woman who had never taken off her shirt for a long time.

“Hay!” I sighed and then coughed a bit as a mean jeepney driver drove off leaving behind a heavy cloud of smoke that blocked the sun. The traffic light turned red. A grayish-blue Starex van stopped in front of me. Somebody rolled down a window and stuck her hand out to shake the ash off the cigarette she was coming. It was a a petite girl in a tank top. Her face was white with powder, and I don’t know how they call it, but she was covered with make-up. With the other hand, she was holding a cellphone to her ear and I could sense she was upset from the way she was talking. She was actually shouting into the phone. I sighed once more.

This girl obviously belonged to the elite, there at the tip of the social pyramid. And there she was comfortably seated in a van, while I was sitting on the cold pavement and I could not even afford to buy my own Nokia 6150 or laptop on which I could type an article. Why is it that other kids have their own cars and fancy gadgets while I don’t, I asked myself. Family income? That’s an insufficient explanation.

I demand a more acceptable reason. Life is obviously unfair. I wonder why God permits such things to happen and why the goods of the earth are not distributed fairly. The wealthy get what they want and do what they want. And the rest of us are not even considered human anymore. We are trampled upon by those who are more fortunate in life. Such injustice leads some people to ask: “Is there really a God?” All religious books describe God as just, yet the fact remains that life is so unfair. Sometimes, I myself the same question when my thoughts are not somewhere else. But I don’t ask it because of some failure or misfortune. Sometimes it’s just out of curiosity.

Forgive me for saying this, for I come from a very religious family, and I am also a student in the country’s premier Catholic university. But it’s a question that really demands to be asked: What if there is no God? In the french movie “Train de Vie,” there is this character named Schlomo who philosophizes: “Man wrote the Bible to invent himself.” In saying this he is actually saying God does not exist, so man cooked up a story to explain where he came from. But what about the evidence all around us, the nature and order of the universe? But that’s just it, man’s rationality was not enough to comprehend these things, and so he invented for himself a God, for there was a need for someone to whom the things he could not understand could be attributed.

Thus, for pagans, it is only natural that there is inequality in the world since the God who is said to be wise, powerful, merciful and just does not exist. Schlomo further says: “It is not a question whether God exists, but whether man exists.” That leads to another question: Since there is no God or assuming that there is none, where then did man come from? The first intellectuals were wise to hide this, inventing the word “man” to refer to man. But since “man” did not discover his own cause, he attributed this to an absent power; he invented God. In the movie, other people consider Schlomo a fool. But evidently he is a philosopher.

Philosophers are supposed to find the reasons for everything, the cause behind everything, the truth behind everything. Those whose hunger for truth are not satisfied with the evidence around even question the truth behind God. One such person is Schlomo, and he is considered a fool. Could it be because he knows the truth? Yes! I said to myself.

My imagination was getting wilder and wilder by the minute. And all because of an old woman, a girl in the van and her cellphone. The truth is, life is really mysterious, and many questions are bound to remain unanswered. If there were answers, there wouldn’t be questions. Man claims to know, yet questions remain. We will never be able to prove anything. That’s what faith is for. The people passing by didn’t know, but my mind was actually working that time. Hmmm. It’s 2 p.m. and the Internet caf‚ is already open! I better go surf the Net. Maybe I can win a 6150 or a laptop in one of the contests. 

Dark Owl

Dark Owl, 16, studies at the University of Santo Tomas Central Seminary.

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