this story originally appeared in the philippine daily inquirer on November 8, 2001.
It must be the monsoon rains of August. After long interludes, the rain comes down in torrents. Along with it the memories come flooding back, inducing me to think rather wistfully of the life I have lived. Somehow the rains do well in its campaign and in time I decided to put my thoughts on paper. I find myself in deep thought these days. I am nearing 30 and practically anything that has to do with work is but felicitous. The sad reality is that my employment may be discontinued any time, and the difficult situation of the economy complicates the situation. The only consolation I may get is I’m not alone on this one. I guess the slow days at the office and the rigidity of the norms make things unnecessarily complicating. Everything around me is becoming all too familiar and very predictable.
Each day begins and ends with punching the time clock. Though I’m glad that I have something to do for the meantime, I know I’m still searching for a better bargain. My current line of work, a product of circumstance rather than choice, doesn’t take a lot of imagination to perform. Like the typical office workers out there, it’s really up to me to make my office time worthwhile. It’s quite a considerable challenge for an underemployed person to come out of the office each day with sanity intact. Right now, I am badly in need of intellectual stimulation and for this I miss the comfort of school.
After finishing college, I was in and out of jobs, started a family but just the same remained an average salary earner. I reckoned it would be best to go back to school even if it meant more work and sleepless nights. It is the added reward of self-improvement that challenged me. More than ever, an additional degree is what I needed so I can slug it out in the job market. My batchmates were already equipped with their masteral or doctoral degrees and had improved their marketability.
Six years after college and I am still left in the doldrums of underemployment and unemployment. This may be a result of my ambivalence toward a lasting career. To begin with, I never really had any career in mind. I thought that I would just let life unfold itself. If for anything, it is not indolence on my part but my carefree attitude toward life.
By contrast, serious-minded friends have a fairly good idea of what they wanted to do. Even at an early age, more scholarly classmates knew what they wanted to become, stuck to it and blazed a path toward it. On the home front, my parents instilled in me the value of education and academic excellence to better capitalize for the future. But if I am inclined to succeed in the arts, seeing hard-up artists is not at all encouraging. Inspired by lawyer-parents, studying law was also a consideration but I thought that would have to come much later. I never gave serious thought about careers because I felt that I would be equally successful with the rest. But this outlook in life can also prove a dilemma for being happy-go-lucky. And consequently to a certain extent I’m paying the price.
Twelve years ago I developed an interest in a specialized field not quite popular with students. At a time when a medical course (and subsequently a US visa) was quite the de rigeuer, I had my sights set on a less appreciated and much disparaged discipline in agriculture. While most wanted to be financial analysts or thought it glamorous to wipe somebody’s behind, I was drawn to the dynamics of farming and the ways of increasing farm productivity. I was fascinated with its scientific and social relevance, entertaining the thought that to study this particular field of science would help ease the backbreaking toil of the deprived farmer.
Sadly, what could be a promising vocation turned out to be an upset what with the failing economy and continuous neglect for the sector. Technology is all around us while true land reform still remains elusive for the majority of the Filipino poor who depend on agriculture for income and employment. One by one, I studied the application of engineering theories to every farm operation, but as I went along I couldn’t help but become cynical. What is the point of giving the farmer the mechanical advantage if he does not profit from the trade? Why should agricultural engineers harp about farm mechanization if the farmers don’t own the resources? What good does engineering innovations bring to the farmer if he doesn’t own the land?
Perhaps I am just being impatient. Or maybe activism got the better of me. The academic community then was a playground of sorts. I met a lot of student leaders who had genuine interest in people and the welfare of the powerless. Their idealism was contagious, their discourses insatiable and the stories of the revolution burned into my consciousness. My uninitiated mind was exposed to a lot of radical ideas and in the process learned to deconstruct the system. For a greater cause I was ready to leave behind a secure and comfortable life.
But then again the comfort of the status quo was too much to resist. When it was time to join the workforce, my grades were a mess and ultimately jeopardized my job applications. It was easy to do so before, but would I do the same today: walk out from the classroom, scream my lungs out and challenge the system? Young and fearless, I may have terribly romanticized the cause of the oppressed but I can only hope not to forget the lessons learned.
I have let loose important opportunities before and these omissions have done cumulative damage. Fortunately, breathers from the spells of unemployment come once in a while. Convincingly at times I believe being the product of the divine at work for which I am grateful.
Beyond short-term concerns and uncertainties, I know things change for the better. Having savored a number of accomplishments, still I’m not content by any means. I get sidelined a lot but there is every reason to be very much upbeat about the future. It is a matter of attitude and certainly anything that calls for major revamps can be done even when I hit the age of 30.
Sifting through the issues, I have arrived at some conclusions of the life that has been, the lessons of growing up, the missed opportunities, the hazards of adulthood and the things that made some difference. Because if I have to last a good lifetime, the focus is survival. The fact that competition is fierce compels me to work double time on the answers to what should be the best approach to the future.
Facing a transition, I am trying to reinvent and put things in perspective. Life is about risks whereas success demands more. Taking them on will raise expectations to a higher level and will bring lofty endeavors. Consequently, whatever gains, be it big or small, are sure signs of victories in the days ahead.
Certainly there is a lot to improve and I’m nowhere near finished. It is becoming clear that from now on I will define my goals, redefine the tools I need, look at the big picture and think about how to create a life that’s fulfilling. I believe that destiny, like the elemental rainwater, will find its own level. And after the downpour, everything will be calm and peaceful once more.
Right now I don’t have much to tell, well, not yet anyway but I’m working on it. Certainly I’m no way near my fullest potential. But whatever it is that I hope to accomplish, I’ll make sure it will be a blast. Because wouldn’t we want our life stories to end up with stirring conclusions? I do. Big time.